What’s a guy gotta do in order to get his AARP card? I was all jazzed because I turned 50 this week and was looking forward to getting my card in the mail. Everyone knows the joke, you turn 50 and AARP sends you a welcome packet. WTF AARP?? Where’s my Card?? I’ve been checking the mailbox EVERY DAY !!!!!!
So I called them……here is conversation (pls note that I do occasionally write fiction)
Joan at 1-800-222-AARP: “AARP, how can we help you?
Me: “Um, Joan, hey, I’m calling from North Carolina and I just turned 50 but you guys didn’t send me a card in the mail.”
Joan: “I’m sorry about that sir. I can get that taken care of right away. I’m certain you’ll want to start taking advantage of all our Senior Citizen specials just as soon as you can.”
Me: “Thanks. I guess I do want to know about the special deals I can get so can I maybe just describe some issues to you and you can let me know if AARP can assist?”
Joan: “Absolutely!”
Me: “Well, first, the hair on my head keeps getting thinner but my eyebrows are getting thicker and now hair is growing out of my ears.”
Joan: “I understand. AARP has many many Health and Beauty discounts that can assist you with those problems.”
Me: “Great. Also, the waistband on all my pants keep getting tighter and tighter so I think there is something wrong with the fabric. Can you help?”
Joan: “Hmm. Well, it sounds to me like you’ll find it helpful to check out our special offers on Diet and Fitness.”
Me: “Yeah, I guess maybe you’re right about that. It may not be an issue with the fabric. And can you help me with discounts on medications because I promised my wife I would look into that drug, you know, that you see advertised on TV where you can have one of those, well, 4 hour, umm, ‘things’, and she says that she wants me to have some of those.”
Joan: “Do you mean Viagra?”
Me: “Yes! That’s it….you know the commercials on TV say you -may- experience, umm, a ‘thing’, that can last up to 4 hours, and, well, the wife said that would be a good ‘thing’ for us.”
Joan: “I understand sir. Yes, we may be able to help you with discounts on Viagra. And, another item we may be able to help you with is financial planning for retirement.”
Me: “Wow! I really need help with that. I mean, I’m not close to retiring yet, you know, with being self-employed and supporting a family, I really need to get that process more under control. Plus I need to save more it’s just hard when my kids are always complaining about being hungry and demanding that I give them food almost every day. It makes it hard to save and they can get pretty damn cranky if they don’t get any food.”
Joan: “Yes they can. So sir, it seems as though you really need to join AARP.”
Me: “You’re right Joan. In fact, I’m thinking that I should have called you guys when I turned 40.”
Joan: “Well, maybe so. But our saying around here is ‘ 50 is the new 40’. ”
Me: “Joan, I’m really starting to like you.”
Andy Holloman - Dad, Writer, Goofball 