Andy Holloman – Dad, Writer, Goofball

Okay….enough already.  Everyone is sick of the Canadians winning so many medals at Sochi.   So I’ve come up with the perfect plan to totally stop this domination   —-   I’m gonna kidnap their hockey goalies!!    **********   (evil mad scientist laugh)   **************

.. It goes like this –  Tomorrow, I’m flying to Toronto to steal a Tim Horton’s truck full of doughnuts.  Everyone knows that they can’t resist these tasty treats.  Then I’m going to drive to Sochi (don’t worry, I’ve got the logistics all figured out, I’ll get there just in time for the Hockey finals!)

…Then, after I arrive in Sochi, I’m going to walk onto center ice at the hockey arena and scream – “FREE TIM HORTONS FOR EVERYONE!!”     All the Canadian players and all four of the Canadian fans in the stands will rush outside to the parking lot (no one else will go because only folks from Canada even know what Tim Hortons is…… well, and me) , and while their gorging on their precious Tim Hortons,  I’ll lock all their goalies in the truck and drive away.   Then, when the US team plays Canada, the score will be like  117  to  3  and we will win the GOLD !!      (** Suck it Canada **)

And being spanked soooo badly by the U.S. in Hockey will totally gut them.  I mean, truly.  They will be exposed for the whiny little babies that they really are.  They’ll get all pouty and weepy.  Everyone says that the Canadians are soooooo nice, but I know better.  All you have to do is get to any Tim Hortons at 5 a.m., when they open, and you’ll see that, before Canadians have their coffee and doughnuts, they’re meaner than a bunch of NYC taxi drivers.   I mean, it is so true.

OMG, and their flag waving!  Aren’t they obnoxious?  Everywhere you look in Sochi, there’s a Canadian flag being flung out.  And don’t even begin to believe that their flag has a “maple leaf” on it.  That is such a lie.  It’s really a Canadian Pot Plant leaf.  You should see how big their plants grow! If it wasn’t for all the pot smoking they do, how do you think they would stay so nice after the coffee and doughnuts wear off?  And you wouldn’t believe how crowded the Tim Horton stores are after two o’clock in the morning when they all rush in with the munchies.  (there isn’t a single seat available, trust me)

     Because, lets face it.  Canadians don’t really give a hoot about winning gold in Speed Skating, Skiing, or Curling (OMG, don’t even get me started about curling — have you ever seen a more lame excuse for an event to get together to drink a bunch of beer and then call it a “sport” ? !)   What they really care about is HOCKEY !   I mean, like, everyone knows  hockey was invented by a bunch of Frenchies near Quebec City way back in 1350 BC, (I looked this up on Wikipedia, so don’t even try to challenge me on this)  and hockey is EVERYTHING to them.   While American men have normal dreams – like being stranded on a tropical island with Kate Upton,  Canadian men dream about being stranded on a tropical island with the Stanley Cup!!!   (sorry Canadian guys, I saw a McGill Univ. survey online, so I know it is true) 

(and yes, I did take this oppt’y to insert a picture of Kate,   sorry Canadian men.   I know that the Canadian version of the Swimsuit issue has a bunch of pictures of girls in parkas eating doughnuts and that would be your preference.)

And, of course, I’ll let the goalies go, after the games are over.  I mean, its not like they’re gonna starve or anything because I’ll leave a bunch of doughnuts in the back for them.

USA !!  USA !!  USA !!  USA !!  USA !!  USA !!  USA !!  USA !!  USA !!  USA !!            -smile-